Why Making Yourself Happy Sometimes Sucks

I just had one of the hardest conversations ever. The worst part is, that it was about making myself happy. Shouldn’t that be my number one priority?

    I had to walk away from something that could have made me happy but it wasn’t a guarantee. At 24, I need to take control of my life and make myself happy. But what makes a person happy? In my case, fulfilling my dream to teach in a classroom full of 30 smiling and sometimes frustrating little faces, although most times they are happy - I promise! Where I am going to do that? I have no idea. But that’s not what matters. The only thing that matters is that I took the first, awful step in making myself happy.

    There has never been a time in my life where I wanted to be something other than a teacher. I’ve worked insanely hard. I’ve moved out of my mothers’ to better my life. I’ve attended a University for five years. I’ve been focused on one thing. To be a teacher. All of this to be able to live my dream and make myself happy. I know it sounds silly who dreams of being a teacher? But I can’t imagine doing anything else.

    I am working a job that had a description that was too good to be true. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. I could not believe that I got it. I still can’t. But there are things about the job that I just can’t put up with and when the terms of the job completely changed I had to make a decision. Not only did I have to make a decision but I had to alter my plan. I had my life planned out for two years, I know I’m a planner. But that was devastating in itself. I made my decision to leave. It was not something that I took lightly. I had many restless nights, migraines and conversations with people I trust. And in making this decision I chose to stay and finish out the year but then to say my goodbyes and move on… to make myself happy.

    So when did making myself happy become so hard and feel so bad? I feel so guilty leaving something that frustrates me more than it makes me happy. I feel bad that they have to find a replacement. I feel bad for leaving. I feel bad. I just feel bad. I know it will get better. I’ve been here before I’ve been through worse but it always feels the awful. I’ve been here before. And I know that it will take some time but I will be okay. I’m always okay. That is going to be my mantra for the next while. It will be okay and I will be okay.

    These next few months are going to be awful. It’s going to be hard and I’m not going to be that happy. But I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for a few months in order to make a career and a name for myself. And I promise to remember how hard this conversation and decision was and I will be more grateful when I achieve everything I want. People are going to think that I am crazy, walking away from this. But ultimately I’ve learned that making myself happy, even though it sucks is sometimes the best thing you can do.




By: Elle Paige

Image Source: Pinterest