This is what I think is wrong with all of this. Since I am a woman, I cannot speak for men. I can obviously have my own view of what they think, but I will never really know. I decided not to try (I’d rather hear from men myself – cough cough comment). Same with women, of course I do not know anyone’s mind, but I want to give my advice for those women out there who enjoy sex and are afraid to initiate or even talk about it.
It is human to enjoy sex. Yes, we are supposed to reproduce and ultimately that is the reason for it. But it is perfectly okay for us to want it just as much as a man wants it. Since this idea is hard to grasp and very vague, I will try harder to convince you.
First of all, the phrase “giving it up” is used way too often, leaving us females confused. Giving up has such a negative connotation. When someone gives up, someone fails. When you have sex, all of you women out there, you are not failing. You are enjoying yourself and are absolutely allowed to do so. Recently, my sponsor and I were discussing sex. She told me that if I “give it up” on a first date, or very early on, I will not be respected by the man. Some may be nodding their heads right now, but to me that hurt. Not because I believed it, but because people believe this. And maybe some men agree with this as well. So we are not respected for something we enjoy? We are not respected for something the man enjoyed and are absolutely respected for by his friends? We are not respected because we are not “supposed” to do this? Why is this so taboo when it’s an enjoyable act with no real consequences (if protected)?
Slut, whore, tramp, loose. Women call women these words. Women reinforce this double standard. They bring down other women who enjoy sex. I’ve even been a part of this myself. I’ve called myself a slut, and really believed it. We bring our own kind down. We are the ones who judge others who have sex often. For me personally, I have called someone a slut because I was either jealous of who they were getting with or desired the confidence they have to do whatever and whoever they wanted.
Confidence ladies. Confidence is what we all lack. Do I look okay? Am I doing this right? I’m too fat. I don’t want to take off my shirt. Shit, did I do that wrong? Will he notice? Am I loud enough? Am I too loud? Does he hate how I ride him? Am I even riding him right? Why did he change positions? Was I bad in that position? Will this be the last time he has sex with me because he changed positions? He’s not moaning, does that mean he doesn’t like it? He isn’t finishing fast enough, am I really that bad? He finished so quickly, did he want to? Okay, so the last one is probably a stretch, but the rest are most likely reality. This scares the shit out of me. And I genuinely feel bad. First off, if the man wanted to have sex with you, he will still want to when he is in the moment, when he is inside of you. If this is not the case, be confident enough to say it wasn’t you, it was him. Even if he thinks the opposite. Who gives a fuck? He was lucky enough to have you and if he doesn’t feel that way, do not bring yourself down. Be happy that you did something you wanted to do.
I understand this is easier said than done. Being confident is hard. My confidence with men has always come from my sexual drive. I enjoy it first off, but I know I’m good at it. I’ve never had complaints (other than to be quiet), and most times I get compliments. Of course this makes me feel better about sex. But I know that this is not the only reason I enjoy sex. It’s a fun activity. It’s a work out. It’s always a new experience. It’s a connection unlike any other. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel happy. Why not do something that makes you happy?
There are many people still that tell me I should wait. That I shouldn’t have sex on the first date. Steve Harvey says wait ninety days. Good one Steve. My sister, before my first date with someone, immediately said please don’t have sex. I said I’d try. She said try very hard. When I did, her reaction was Kristin Jane. (That’s her phrase when she is disappointed with me). It sucks that it is like this. That I will still fight tooth and nail to get women to understand it is okay to have sex on the first date if you feel a connection, if it’s consensual, if you had a great time with the other person and want to keep it going. It is perfectly okay. You are perfectly okay. We are not easy. We are doing what we want to do. Trust me, the man does not mind a woman who has confidence and who enjoys sex.
Being open about sex with a man or even a woman is something that is lacking today as well. For me, I am as open as my legs become when I decide to have sex (ha, I crack myself up). I absolutely enjoy talking about sex, learning what people like, learning what they don’t. Helping my fellow females out with the steps on how to give a good blowjob (I learned from porn myself), asking them what they like in comparison to me. Everyone says communication is key to any relationship, so why is talking about sex not? You learn more about the person, you learn what they like and dislike, you learn how confident they are, you learn if they like control or they don’t. You don’t just learn about their sex life, you learn about how they are as a person. Sex is a part of every relationship, and it is healthy. We hear about marriages that fail because their sex lives aren’t exciting anymore or sometimes even nonexistent. Sexual chemistry is important in every relationship, and talking about it just makes it better for both parties.
Recently, I have talked about sex with a guy and he was shocked with how open I was about it. I shrugged it off and didn’t care if he judged me. But he wasn’t judging me, he was telling me he wishes more women felt as comfortable. And I wanted to write this article because of it.
Once more, it is perfectly okay for any of you to enjoy talking about sex, enjoy having sex, enjoy an activity that eventually most do. We women need to be confident in ourselves sexually. A person calls you a slut, so? They do not know you. And most likely they are not confident in themselves. Someone says you get around too much? What’s so bad about that? You’re experiencing life. You’re most likely enjoying yourself.
Of course there is a downside to everything. This is NOT an article to push women to have sex if they do not want to. I have been in situations where I felt like I owed a man sex, that maybe I teased him too much and I now have to. You NEVER owe a man that. EVER. If you don’t want to because you genuinely do not want to, never think you have to, and never do it. If you don’t want to because you think someone will judge you, that you really want to but don’t think you’re “good” enough, tell yourself, hey this girl Kristin Jane will absolutely say your desires are perfectly okay. And I’m always right so …
By: Kristin Jane Smith
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