Some people think this may be a morbid subject talking about one’s funeral and all, but I’ve always found funerals kind of beautiful. Of course the heartbreak is horrible, but if we look past the tears, I think funerals are (or should be) a celebration of one’s life not a focus on how they arrived in the coffin.
Before I start, I want to apologize in advance if I offend anyone. I am not undermining the fact that losing a loved one is probably the hardest things to go through. I have not lost a parent or a sibling so I would never try to guess how terrible that is. Trust me, this is not about telling people not to grieve and to just suck it up. I think everyone should grieve in the way that they need to. Instead, this is about the funeral process itself. I have been to a decent amount of funerals, and I have found them all to be a terrible experience. I have found it to be more for the people who are now suffering than what it should be about: the person we are all there for in the first place.
I have thought of my funeral a decent amount. When I was mentally stable and when I wasn’t, when I was going to bed or when I woke up, when I was at other funerals or when I was watching my favorite character die on a favorite television show. And I would give one of my kidneys if this isn’t true: most people have thought about what their funeral will be like. Most people have at one time thought of who would come, who would grieve, who would say the eulogy, who would just breakdown completely. We have this warped perception of funerals, of the sadness, of the attention we will get that we never did when we were alive. We think about how we will hear and see people’s true feelings about us when we are no longer there to give our opinion on them back. People truly feel for us for the first time, because when someone isn’t there, it is so much easier to express oneself. But maybe we shouldn’t focus on how sad people will be, but what we want people to do at the last celebration of our life.
Here’s what I hope happens at mine:
I don’t want my funeral to be black (literally and figuratively). I want my funeral to have a dress code of wearing whatever the hell you want, wearing what you would wear on any day. In all honesty, it is just another day and I want people to be comfortable. God knows how uncomfortable wakes and funerals are, why do black stockings that are definitely going to give you wedgie be a part of that equation too? And for guys, I’d rather you not feel like a tie is choking you to death and that you’ll be alongside me at any moment.
I want there to be food that only I would eat. This is a scary thought for all those healthy eaters out there. There will be no gross, cold pasta or those sandwiches you get at most catered events. Pepperoni and cheddar cheese platters, those mini hot dogs, and Tostitos are a must. But dessert is what I really care about. Make your own sundaes! It’s one of my favorite things to do. Huge bowls, vanilla ice cream, and just a wide variety of “accessories” to make your masterpiece. And if a food fight full of chocolate chips and sprinkles arise? Go for it … please.
But the thing I want most is for everyone to say his or her favorite quote from a book, movie, speech, etc. I want people to get in a line and go up to my coffin and say whatever the quote is, and of course reference it. I want it to be their favorite, not just something about how special life is or something philosophical. If your favorite line is “YOU’RE an inanimate fucking object!” from In Bruges, you better be saying that one. Here’s the thing: if I asked someone now, they would just say I have no idea, and not really think about it. But when I’m dead, well can you really say no to a dead person right? This is something that would highlight who I was when I was living. I love a good quote. I love words strung together that expresses something actions cannot. I also love to learn about someone in an outside of the box kind of way. Yes, I’ll be dead. I may not even hear what you say. But this could be a last hoorah for the kind of person I was, and that is what funerals should really be about. Furthermore, it will let other people learn about the people alive. I’ll be dead, I won’t be able to come up to you and tell you how amazing that choice was, to ask you what made you choose it. But it will let other people do so. Who knows, maybe one of my friends would have the same favorite as another. Maybe this will start a romance or a friendship that they didn’t have before. Maybe it will mend a friendship. My last act on this earth may do that. My legacy, even if small, will live on for a little longer. And we all want to leave a mark right?
So, what I really want is for my funeral to be full of my favorite things. One of my least favorite things is crying, so why would I want that? We should think about what the person who passed would want, not what we need.
Of course this isn’t an easy thing to do. It is extremely tough for all of us to get over the fact that someone in our lives will never be there again. But maybe we have to think about it in this way: Doing this is selfish. We need people to console us, hug us, wipe away our tears meanwhile there is a person in a coffin who doesn’t have the luxury to feel anymore. It shouldn’t be about us, but that person. We should talk about how amazing their life was; do what they would do if they were alive (like make a massive sundae for dessert or talk about their love of words). Do this for them not for ourselves. Honor and celebrate them for what they were; don’t mourn because they will not be able to do anything else. This stigma of funerals needs to end, because it shouldn’t be about how nervous one gets when they walk into the church or how awkward it is for them or how terribly sad they are or how much they will cry. There should be laughter and smiles at a funeral not whimpers and tears. It should be about the person who passed and the life they lived, not the death that they now consume.
Try this next time you go to a funeral. It may make funerals a little less torturous to go to and maybe even a little fun.
By: Kristin Jane Smith
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