What I Needed From My Mother

I first wrote this when I was 16. It’s gritty and raw and still very much shows my thoughts and feelings on being abandoned by my mother.

            It has been 8 years of ups and downs for me. I am not happy with the way that we have left things. When was the last time we saw each other? It is not supposed to be like that. This is not how I am supposed to feel about my mother. I now know that things may not change. I hate knowing that I could have done more or feeling like I should have. I sleep restlessly sometimes thinking about all of the things that we do not know about each other.

  

            I often wonder what you think about me. Sometimes I wonder if you would be proud of the person that I am and it scares me to think that you wouldn’t be. Your belief in me is not what drives me - I have two wonderful support parents to fill that void. But it still matters. I wonder if you know anything about me. I have grown-up and changed. I have graduated from university. I work a full-time job. But I’m still a part of you, even though somedays I wish I could change that. It concerns me a little that you no nothing about me. I know for a fact that I know next to nothing about you.

            I find myself thinking about our relationship and what went wrong. We were never really open with each other and I think that hurt us. We never spent any quality time together, just talking. We really know nothing about each others lives’.

            I feel like you have taken things away from me without knowing it. I cannot fully trust a person because I am afraid of needing them too much - the way I needed you. I am afraid that they will let me down, like you did. I am afraid to be vulnerable and to love because that is all I wanted from you. I wanted to know that you loved me.

            I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. In the beginning, I think I did. To spite you, to get back at you for your actions. I felt as though my family had been ripped apart yet again. I tried to leave a couple times but you wouldn’t let me. I understand that, how do you watch your children leave? I didn’t know how to leave and I often thought about leaving in the middle of the night because I was afraid I would hurt you too much. I hate hurting people, just like I hate hurting. But, I’m done hurting. I’ve come to terms with the fact that you can’t give me the things that I need.

            I didn’t think you appreciated me. I thought if I left maybe you would realize that you missed me and try to make a relationship for us. I just never felt like the effort was being put in. I didn’t want things to change, and when they did, I was no longer happy. I need to make myself happy - first and foremost. That is the most important thing in my life, trying to be happy after what you put me through.

            I am tired of the pain that all of this has caused me. I would like to go to sleep knowing that my mother loves me and that she cares about what I do with my life, I want her to be proud of me.

            But here we go again, wanting my mothers approval when I know it will never come.

By: Elle Paige

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