I Became a Feminist When He Threatened To Kill Me

This started out as a script for Joseph Gordon-Levitt's website, Hitrecord. The more I spoke, the more I felt I needed to say. The writing below is in response to this clip.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KsEzgu7l4NI&list=UU_0CNlQIytDUJfwxSnUsjSA

I haven't always thought of myself as a feminist. After all, I didn't shave my head, partake in any topless riots or destroy my bras [those things aren’t cheap]. I viewed myself as a passive activist (because that’s a real thing): concerned about the cause, but not enough to do anything about it. It wasn't until I was approached by a dark car one Friday night in a neighborhood I had lived in for over three years. I was walking to meet up with friends for dinner, scrolling through my Instagram feed and oblivious to my surroundings. As I paused at the crosswalk, a group of men pulled up next to me, rolled the window down and asked me where I was going. Like I've been told to do, I ignored their questions. I've been catcalled before, harmless whistles were easy to stride past, unaffected. But these men persisted, calling me ‘blondie’, ‘whore’, and, you get the idea. Finally, one of the men shouted above all of his friends. "I'm going to find you on Facebook and kill you."

An innocent inquiry about my destination had now turned into a death threat.

I tried to remain calm but I was visibly shaken as they sped off. Was that possible? Did he see my face? Even worse, did I already know this man? No one else seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. I’m sure they were all thinking Ah yes, the nightly derogatory comment towards a woman, I better pretend I didn’t hear.  I picked up my pace and did what every girl does, blame herself. I shouldn't have worn heels, my dress was definitely too short, my long blond hair should have been in a tight bun instead of wavy down my back, I was walking alone...even though it was only six o'clock on a crowded corner. I was simply a moving target for unwanted attention. I didn't speak of the incident to anyone. I was overcome with fear and embarrassment.  Yet, I was solemnly comforted by the fact that this situation ended there. At least I could walk away.

It wasn't until weeks later when the #yesallwomen phenomenon began to take hold, later evolving into the ever popular #HeForShe. Some friends were sharing their own feminist moments when I brought up that night on the street corner. Even more unsettling than the actual incident, they said, was that I put myself at fault. As we began reading through the notes of women who were fighting for the #yesallwomen cause and the various YouTube clips of Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt speaking about their own feminism, my thinking began to shift. I couldn't sit back and let this be okay. I couldn't live in fear every moment I walked alone…assuming that a death threat was more than just that, a threat.

 I decided to speak up for those who are still blaming themselves. For those who think "if only I had…". Women are taught to walk in groups, move at a quick pace, wear our shirts loose, carry pepper spray, pretend to be on our cell phones, never leave a drink uncovered. We even have our very own dress code so as not to distract the boys. How considerate. These lessons are ingrained in us like learning all 50 states by name.  Not just by our mothers, but by our fathers, our teachers, our peers. Ask any female on the street to share her safety apps for when she feels in danger: an app to locate her friends, an app to automatically call 911, or even one to make a loud buzzing noise to attract attention.

I started to question how all these lessons our elders have warned us about and how all these dedicated technology developments to keep us safe have been focused on the wrong crowd. Instead of centering on the predator, we’ve been focused on helping the victim. If we drastically change how we raise these future predators, wouldn’t we eliminate having any victims at all? If we spent more time teaching men how to treat women, this feministic movement would be a mere after thought. How many fathers sit their sons done and tell them to not shout out car windows, even if it's just a so-called compliment? How many teachers tell boys that when a girl is wearing a short tight skirt, you still have absolutely no right to smack her ass? Who tells men that the girl at the bar wearing red lipstick is not a sign of her being 'easy'? Why isn't there an app that shocks a man every time he yells out to a woman? Or an alarm that sounds when he rubs his crouch up against her? Women, in fact, are not asking for it.

We are directing our attention to the consequences instead of preventing the actual problem at hand. Mind you, this is not an effort to rid society of these valuable life-saving lessons and tools for women, lessons and tools I use every single day. But really, this is an effort to switch our thinking. To replace our 'self-defense' classes with 'how to treat women' seminars. To wear our highest heels and not feel like an object. To be able to walk in a crowded bar without the fear of being groped when we lean forward to order a vodka soda.

So, yes, I was wrong to think feminism was something to be taken passively.  As if to be a feminist meant I had to wear a rebellious t-shirt and bash men. It is far more than I anticipated once I began to identify with the inequalities. It is an active movement...to have every woman feel safe and confident in all areas of her life. Feminism is to redefine the problem, to focus on humanizing the predators so we can eliminate the victims, short skirts and all.


By: Juliette Kopp 

Image Source: Pinterest