Each Day Will Be Better Than The Last

Thirty- nine hours traveled, half way across the United States, and my fears began to consume me. I was officially out of my comfort zone, a good friend of mine called it “The Thunderdome”, God this sucked. First forty-eight hours were the hardest and I have to admit it was like I was driving down a highway going eighty knowing my exit was nine miles ago, yet never made the U-Turn.. It took all my experiences from childhood till now to really realize that after all my travels, I am lost.  Lost in my dreams, visions, and with myself. All that happened hit me like a bat out of hell,and even so, my dreams are never lost. 

Looking back I see a young scared 14 year old girl giving up her innocence to be cool. I am grateful for the time given to me filled with opportunity. Although I question the roads, I endured. Is there any validity to all this madness or am I just insane?

A genius once coined "insanity is making the same mistakes over and over expecting a different result."

So for a while there I went insane in my relationship and with my family. I pushed everyone away expecting I was going to achieve a different result, but in the end I was left with myself yet I am not alone. At the moment, anger flows in my blood making my heart race and body feel hot because everything that I have fought for, everything we ever dreamed of accomplishing never materialized and why? My journey, my choices and my relationship did not have my parents' blessings. Signs are real. They've been there to warn me, this time they told me it’s our time to walk away and I choose not to ignore them anymore. 

Still, questions linger in my mind...

Why couldn’t have I seen that I was lying to myself? I resent the moments that have passed when I didn’t respect myself enough to want to see the truth. I loved him so much and I know he loved me. But deep down I also knew that maybe he couldn’t be the emotional support and backbone that I needed. I was lying to myself thinking that I could be his housewife. Nope, not me. I have always known that part for sure. My TWIN says I’m too far gone, I need to move on, she may be right. Everyone tells me I'm young, and I have time. Maybe I’m young but I'm wise beyond my years. I've got time? Money is time and I only have few to none because of love. But what else is new? Love makes you do crazy things. Take my word for it.  Now its appropriate to begin yielding and connecting my heart with min mind and soul. A creation of interweaving systems all made possible through my body and flesh. It’s time to hit equilibrium and let the past go. I found my passion and will chase my dream till I die. 

I am not that scared 14 , 18, or 21 year old girl anymore, I am not that girl who thought she didn’t have a choice. There's a difference because now I am older, wiser and I have a voice of my own. I am ready for the road of struggles because of what life has taught me, but doing life without the man I love will be the hardest part. I've loved and lost but it’s not the right time. I know and it's what I keep telling myself, but maybe one day we will find our way in each other's arms. This could be a defense mechanism, yes this could be a way of coping and I say all these from the bottom of my heart. But it's not fair... why did this happen? I love him so much that I’d do anything. Yet, the situation is out of our hands now and all I can do is let go, embark a journey to find oneness.. unity with myself.  It's time for me to get to know myself, to get to know Karlie. As cliché as that sounds, I feel like nobody will ever get the chance to see who I am truly inside if I, myself don’t even know who I am.

Every day we have a chance as humans to make a difference on this beautiful planet and dreams become real when you turn them into goals. I aspire to do good things and I plan on doing so by working on one of the things that is deemed to be the first step in making a change, and that is to communicate. It's so hard but I’m slowly learning to get a hang of it. In order for me to stop hurting people with my words, I must thinking rationally before I speak. As if it’s a trade and skill that I need to learn carefully. I believe that through mastering this ability, I'll be able to fly with my own two wings to a place that can bring me peace and serenity.

Being on my own providing for myself is a scary thought but fear really is a creation from within the mind.  Uncertainty of the future to come. It’s the fear of the unknown and inability to predict ahead. But news flash to me!It is that thing we call LIFE. It takes courage to have the power to see the faith and trust each day will have bumps and bridges but truly can get better than the last. It’s all in your mind. To gain my own security and independence? Well... as my peers taught me.. INSHALLAH. It means if Allah wills it in Arabic and it is what you say if you desire to stay hopeful. There is a sense of pride and heart that is behind this word that I speak of. It’s a wave of calmness rushing over my head saying “Okay Karlie, it’s time to do what you need to know and do. For yourself."

Now that I am on my own, my mind is empty but I have the peacefulness and freedom to fill it with things other than drama, men, or work. I have the solitude, and it made learn to appreciate life in a good way. It's not what I want but I’m learning to accept it. There are people around me who are generous enough to give me their support but if there is thing that I learned, I am my biggest supporter and that is for my own good.

If I have to sacrifice one, two, three, seven, years of finding ourselves for a lifetime of happiness together then why shouldn't we make that a possibility?

By: Karlie Michelle Brown

Image Source: Pinterest